The Louder Song by Aubrey Sampson

Author:Aubrey Sampson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: RELIGION / Christian Life / Women's Issues, RELIGION / Christian Life / Personal Growth
Publisher: The Navigators
Published: 2019-02-04T16:00:00+00:00

The Way Things Were

As I mentioned earlier, I spend a lot of time on the couch because my illness keeps me here. I get pneumonia, or a stiff neck, or a random fever. It hurts too much to walk upstairs. So I lie on the couch and waste my life away on social media.

I reluctantly join a Facebook group for graduates of my very small, very conservative high school. We laugh about the days we got into trouble at punk-rock concerts. We reminisce about the past. It’s fun, initially, a bright spot in my day, to joke about old teachers and old music and old inside jokes. But I recall something I read once, that Facebook is a high-school reunion from hell.

No one on the Facebook page knows that I battle RA. Admitting my illness embarrasses me for some reason. Online, I get to be a pretend version of Aubrey. I like her. She has wit and charm and doesn’t have to take injections every week or get hours’ worth of transfusions. She doesn’t have her blood drawn regularly.

As you may recall from chapter 3, faking is never helpful. Soon, the fake version of Aubrey mixes with the Facebook nostalgia. That’s when I get weird.

It’s as if the past twenty years in which I’ve married and mothered, ministered and matured no longer matter. The fifteen-year-old in me desperately wants the approval of my old high-school friends and acquaintances—the Facebook group’s most successful people—The Chosen Ones. The Stars.

I start “liking” almost every comment the cool kids make, even if I disagree with them or find them unamusing. After a few days of this, I attempt to regain some semblance of real-life Aubrey, so I go back through the conversation threads and delete most of my comments. I un-like posts and memes I previously liked. But then that makes me feel insecure—what if people think I’m wishy washy?—so I re-like all over again.

Like I said, I get weird.

After a few days of this fickle behavior, I grow angry at myself. What am I doing? I’m lying on the couch in pain, obsessing over stupid social media, when I should take care of myself! I should work towards wellness! I should tend to my soul! Read my Bible! Listen to a positive podcast! Take Epsom-salt baths! I shouldn’t do the actual opposite of self-care—get sucked into unreasonable high-school drama. Why am I giving Facebook this much power?

My heart gives a little warning sign, waves her little red flag. Hey Aubrey, she says, get off social media. Spend a little time with me. Figure out what’s going on in here.

I call Kevin and ask him to pray for me. He’s usually pretty good about dealing with my eccentricities, or at least he vowed to me on our wedding day that he’d stick with me through them, so he’s stuck. He helps me laugh at myself in a way that gives perspective. His advice: “Step away from your screen. Now.”

So I do. I remove myself from the group.

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